Elizabeth Van Den Bergh, Author at Elizabeth Van Den Bergh, Intl. Speaker Coach

Why I hate that there is so much talk about imposter syndrome and what I want you to focus on instead.

This is a LinkedIn post turned long read article jam-packed with great tips to build and maintain solid confidence. It also applies to men and other, of course. Wouldn’t want to exclude anyone.

Dear talented woman,

I know there is a lot of talk on imposter syndrome out there.

But all this talk makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate that.

I want to see more applause for confident women who stand out and speak up.

I entirely agree with Cindy Gallop, who claims: “There is no such thing as imposter syndrome. There are only people, especially women, who have not been appreciated, valued, celebrated, championed and rewarded in the way they deserve.”

Of course we all have our moments of doubt and self-criticism. A moment of doubt is entirely normal. But it should be just a moment not a hardwired habit.

If it has become the latter, let’s start noticing and start rewiring.

What we really should stop doing is

You might recognize one of these three behaviors that are common, but not helpful.

1. Questioning or doubting ourselves too much

I know from the front row, easier said than done. But hear me out.

In wanting to do well, of course we question whether we are doing a good job and wonder what we might be doing wrong. So behind this process is a positive intention. Let’s keep it positive. We are a beautiful work in progress.

We can be the master and be really good at something. And still be the student, always improving our craft. Master AND student.

Example: “I have so much expertise on storytelling. I can teach and inspire others. And at the same time there is more for me to learn on the topic.”

2. Taking things personally

There’s absolutely no need really to take anything personal. A person’s reaction tells us everything about the other person and nothing about ourselves.

Because we can never know what others really think. So we might as well stop assuming to know what others think.

What we think others think is actually what we think.

Example: you’re speaking for an audience and someone is not paying attention. Notice whether you think ‘Surely what I am saying is not interesting.’ or ‘I hope all is oké and this person is not receiving a text message about his/her kid being ill.’.

3. Keep looking for our flaws

We all have some, we are only human. Let’s focus on being flawsome. Embracing our flaws and be awesome regardless.

We look for flaws out of self-protection. There is this weird logic behind it ‘If I identify my shortcomings, it’ll be less painful if someone else does it.’ You see the parallel with difficulty accepting compliments?

You might have become very skilled in doing the above and in criticising yourself.

But careful because the price is high, this so-called self-protection can turn into self-sabotage.

Please actively unlearn. Notice when the negative talk starts and what it says.

If you say things to yourself that you would never say to your best friend, that’s your sign you are not on the right self-talk track.

What we should focus on instead

I am learning to see my doubtful thoughts as separate from me.

And speak to them: ‘Oh hello doubtful thought, so nice you showed up in this moment, I see you, you take a back seat and get out of my way. I let you exist, you let do my thing.”

Here’s a list of tips. It’s not meant to be exhausting. It’s meant to be plentiful so you can identify exactly those tips that will make a big difference for you.

1. Train our confidence muscle

The good news is that our confidence is a muscle that we can train.

Training that muscle is a practice, to incorporate in our daily routines, like brushing our teeth.

And we train it by taking (bold) action everyday and celebrate that we did.

2. Redirect our thoughts

Our self-doubt is fed by our thoughts. Luckily we are not our thoughts. We have the power to think different thoughts.

Different thoughts lead to different feelings, lead to different actions.

Example: Imagine a speaker on stage who thinks ‘I wish this was over soon’, now imagine a speaker who thinks ‘When I speak it matters’.

“Once you realize the power of your thoughts, you will never think a negative thought again.”

3. Value ourselves and our work

To value ourselves and our work is not what we learned at school, which is weird if you think of it. We were taught to be critical and questions ourselves.

If we send ‘I don’t value my work vibes’ into the world, that’s what others will pick up. And vice versa.

It is our job to value our work.

4. Keep believing we deserve the best.

Because ultimately in life, we get what we believe we deserve.

So this is an excellent question to reflect on: “What do I deep down inside of me, believe I am worthy of?”

5. Keep working on our own resilience.

There is no success without failure. It’s about getting up again, learn the lesson and move on. And sometimes we are soooo tired, then we pause and stop. But don’t give up. Never give up on yourself.

As W. Churchill so wisely said: “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

Or maybe you prefer Stephen McCranie: “The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried.”

Failing fast is the number one tip in the book “The Confidence code” by Claire Shipman and Katty Clay. Ultimately it’s action that builds confidence.

6. Start questioning whether you are operating in an appreciative context.

Ooooh, this one might hit home. Are the people you are surrounded with appreciative of you and your work?

I am sure you have read Jim Rohn’s quote: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” The people you spend the most time with shape who you are.

Be very careful of who you allow to influence you.

7. Give yourself credit

Do good work and be loud about it. If you don’t give credit to your work to start with, no one else will either.

Don’t buy into the myth: “If you work hard, someone will notice and reward you.”

I recommend the book “Brag Better” by Meredith Fineman, if you struggle with giving credit to yourself. Spoiler alert: it is about stating facts. The hard facts of your great work.

I have a worksheet on bragging better, dm me if you want to receive it.

8. Hold a long term vision

Focus on what you want to achieve in the long run. And stay true to your values. Good things take time.

The cliché is so true: it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.

Whatever field of work you are in, it will be a bumpy ride. Enjoy the views and the encounters during the journey.

More tips

Initially I published this article as a LinkedIn post and many extra tips were shared in the comments. I am adding them here, because they are such great additions.

9 Gather cheerleaders around you

Surround yourself with people who genuinely have your best interest at heart and cheer you on in a constructive way.

10. Accumulate small successes.

Keep moving and build confidence from small successes.

When we start giving attention to our small wins, we can quickly become more positive.

11. Find yourself a supportive partner

No doubt the person closest to us will have a lot of influence on our personal success.

Do they support our dreams or not, do they share the load at home or not, do they help us grow or not. Remember number 4.

12. You can’t be what you can’t see

As women, we often times lack representation when it comes to looking for role models/ mentors.

I do believe great role models exist, but might be hard to find sometimes.

“Should we also teach girls from an early age your tips so that our future generations become more self-confident so we can weed out ‘imposter syndrome’?” – I truly hope so.

13. Collect compliments

Keep a compliment journal or a create a special folder in your mailbox to collect compliments. You can glance at them every morning or when needed.

14. Affirmations

“I often challenge negative and self-limiting thoughts by reframing them in a more positive and empowering way. I replace self-doubt with self-belief and affirmation.”

Link to great speaker affirmations coming soon.

15. Physical and mental wellbeing

“Moving forward is a constant journey, taking care of myself physically and mentally has been the biggest thing to help me not give up.”

Yes, yes, absolutely so true. Sometimes all we need is a mental health day, taking it slow, doing some exercise.

Ideally this is part of our daily routine, I struggled with this for years. Because I was still fine, or at least I thought so, and the kids simply required too much time and care.

16. Say goodbye to perfectionism

“And I simply see myself as a human – I do not want to attain perfection anymore, so I am allowed to fail, it’s part of life. It sucks, but we can’t do without it.”

Perfection is not our friend. Perfection keeps us stuck. Instead good enough should be our friend.

17. Take back the lead.

This is a great tip. It has happened to me on more than one occasion that I thought I was calling the shots, but really I was living up to other people’s expectations, or what I imagined what other people’s expectations were, and not mine.

Don’t forget to check who is in the driver seat of your life. Your heart and soul or other people’s fears, opinions and expectations?

18. Align with your inner essence.

“[I feel doubtful ] when I’m not aligned with my inner essence. When I’m acting based on (an unconscious) “I should”. By becoming aware of the “I should” and (slowly but steady) turning that into “I want” and “ I will”.

19. Ask for help

Nobody does it alone. And we shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help.

I find this one a really difficult one, still. Because of my inner programming ‘I must be strong, I got this, I can do this alone.”

I am shifting it towards ‘It’s okay to be tired, I don’t have to do this by myself, I can ask for help.’

Final words

Cheers to appreciating, valuing, celebrating, championing and rewarding all people who are doing great work, starting with ourselves.

PS: If you want to embark on your own confidence journey and get ready to go on any stage you ever dreamed off, get in touch and book your free call.

When it comes to speaking with impact, I usually show one of my favourite TED(x) talks. It’s one that you can view again and again.

The crazy thing is: absolutely nothing is said in it.

Play it for a minute; it only last six minutes:

The title of this talk is How to sound smart in your TED talk. But the title could just as well be How to engage an audience when you have nothing to say. Because that’s the fascinating thing about this video: this Will Stephen says absolutely nothing, and yet you can’t take his eye off him for six minutes.

How is that possible?

Why is it that you take great pleasure in listening to ‘nothing’, and at the same time have dozed away at a lecture that had content that was actually interesting? (Most people only have to think back to their school days to remember those.)
stage presence, or: how you appear on stage, the way you bring your story.

Why is stage presence so crucial for speaking with impact?

There is interesting research on this by Dr Albert Mehrabian¹, Professor Emeritus at UCLA (University of California). He did several studies on verbal and non-verbal communication.

Mehrabian concluded that there are three elements of face-to-face communication:

Words
Tone of voice
Non-verbal behaviour (such as body language)

He makes the following point. How communication ‘lands’ with an audience depends much more on elements 2 and 3 — tone of voice and non-verbal signals — than element 1, the words themselves.

It’s easy to verify for yourself that there’s some truth to that. Think of a “bad liar” you know. Their words make no impression because their body, facial expression and voice betray them.

Mehrabian goes so far as to claim that words only make up 7% of your communication. I personally think that’s an exaggeration. But other studies, such as one by Allen and Barbara Pease^2,show that 60 to 80% of the impact in meetings is caused by body language. And that’s my experience, too.

How do you get stage presence?

Some people are naturals. Others, not so much.

The good news is: stage presence can be developed and cultivated. Something I’d certainly recommend, looking at why public speaking is so important.

The first step is to know which factors determine your stage presence.

The elements that determine your stage presence (and whether you’re speaking with impact)

For this list, I’m assuming that you have a healthy amount of self-confidence. Because if you are very insecure when speaking in front groups, of course, that undermines your entire stage presence. In that case, you’d better work on boosting your self-confidence first.

I’m also assuming that you have properly prepared your speech. If you don’t have a clear idea of the story you want to tell, that will also come at the expense of your stage presence.

What exactly is stage presence? At its core, it’s your energy.

Energy is an emotional thing. People can emit ‘high energy’ or ‘low energy’. And energy influences other people.

You experience other people’s energy every day:

The receptionist who always greets you with a big smile so that you’re in a great mood when you take the elevator: high energy.
The guy in the sandwich bar who always frowns and where you go only when you really have to: low energy.

You could think that people’s energies are fixed. Fortunately, they’re not! Your energy varies throughout the day:

Coffee can boost your energy.
But when you’re tired, that affects your energy negatively.
You win a game with your team at the sports club. There’s no limit to your energy!
A new customer postpones collaboration. Bummer: your energy plummets.

When you speak in front of groups, you start with a certain energy level. Hopefully, a high level!

After that, there are always several possible energy leaks:

That one lady with no facial expression, who seems to be here against her will.
That guy in the corner is fiddling with his phone — maybe he’s bored?
And then there’s the person who asks a tricky question that you don’t know the answer to right away.

Those energy leaks hinder you from speaking with impact. Because here it comes:

Your energy is the single determining factor in the impact you make

There is research on that, by the way. Olivier Oullier, professor of behavioural and brain sciences at the University of Aix-Marseille, calls this social coordination dynamics³.

In his studies, people facing each other had to make random movements.

First, with their eyes closed — of course, little similarities in movement could be found. Then, with their eyes open. As it turned out, people started to mimic each other’s movements. Even after the experiment, the subjects remained influenced by the movements made by the other person.

Have you ever seen someone yawn, only to do it yourself shortly after? That is the same principle at work.

Back to your energy when you speak

Your energy determines the energy of your audience, which determines how well they listen, how inspired they become, how excited they become, and so on.

Body language expert Vanessa van Edwards proved that in another experiment. She analysed a large amount of similar TED talks to discover why some talks were hugely popular, while others were viewed just a few hundred times in total.

Her conclusion: people created their opinion about a speaker within seven seconds, and that opinion was the most positive for speakers who radiated the most energy.

Another striking conclusion was this: when people rated a talk highly with the sound off, it was also rated highly with the sound on.

So it is essential to manage your energy and keep it high

How high? Higher than you think 😁. Think of the first date with your dream partner.

Note: don’t confuse ‘high energy’ with ‘hyper’. High energy can also mean relaxed, comfortable, content, self-confident.

The good news is: you have a lot of control over your energy. Are you aware of your energy? Then you can ‘turn it up’ as you please to start speaking with impact.

It doesn’t take magical thinking at all. We may think that for the most, our mind controls our bodies, but the opposite is also true. What you do with your body also influences your mind and therefore your energy.

A classic example are power poses: for example, if you stand upright, with your legs slightly apart, and your hands in your hips, you can feel your energy level rise with every minute.

The following five non-verbal areas play the biggest role when it comes to speaking with impact:

1. Your posture

Your body communicates much more than you would suspect. Which makes sense: we are descended from apes that cannot speak (neither could homo sapiens in their first phase of evolution), and yet they could communicate efficiently.

Here are a few ways your body ‘reveals’ you, and where you can make adjustments for higher energy levels:

Of course, your head sends signals non-stop. From how your hair is styled, to ‘micro-expressions’ that subconsciously tell your audience about your mood.
Your torso (back) can be straight or a little bent, which communicates different things.
Arms and hands tell many things too! Think of the difference between a dry presenter with hands in his pockets, and someone who gestures lively as they tell their story.
How you position your legs, is a way of communicating as well. Do you walk calmly across the stage, or rather in a cramped fashion? When you sit down, do you cross your legs or not?
Finally, there are your feet. They can be positioned at different angles. And everyone knows about the tapping foot, which suggests nervousness.

This is just a concise list — there are, of course, dozens of other ways your body communicates with your audience.

**What are things not to do when it comes to posture?**

Leaning on one leg. Maybe you think this gives a laid-back impression, but in reality, it looks over-casual.
Standing with crossed legs. This gives you the impression that you want to make yourself smaller.
Tilting your head to one side. This can look either apologetic or condescending.
Standing behind a pulpit. This puts something between you and your audience, and sends the signal: “I don’t like speaking in front of groups.”
Keeping your hands behind your back or in your pockets for a long time, keeping your hands ‘busy’ with a pen for example, or putting your hands in your side for a long time.

What are things to do when it comes to posture?

Place your feet right under your hips, and let them point slightly outwards.
Divide your weight evenly between your legs.
Make sure your chest is ‘open’ and not ‘closed’.
Imagine that there is a wire attached to the crown of your head and that it pulls your body up.
Keep your hands moving. Use them to illustrate what you’re saying. Don’t let your upper arms stick to your body like a T-rex 🦖 but relax them!

Note when it comes to your hands: most people use their hands very well in comfortable situations, for example at a dinner party with friends. Chances are, you do know how to do it — you just have to recreate the unconsciously correct use of your hands!

2. Your gestures

Gestures are the most expressive element of our body language. They are the more explicit movements of the head, shoulders, arms, the hands.

Gestures have a clear function within speaking with impact:

Express physical properties, location or movement. Think of size, weight, shape, direction and location.
Express importance or urgency. For example, a clenched fist shows that you want to add emphasis.
Comparison and contrast. By visualising these with gestures, they come to life. For example, you could perfectly imitate the receptionist and the sandwich seller from the introduction.

Do you experience a moment of ‘low energy’? Then a few powerful gestures will get you back on top.

Pay attention to the following to make your gestures effective, both for your audience and for yourself:

Make gestures above elbow height and at some distance from your body. So no cramped gestures.
Put strength and conviction in your gestures. A fast, spacious hand movement to show how big something is, makes a much greater impression than a half-baked, uncertain movement.
Make sure to have variety in your gestures. They are quickly perceived as repetitive.

3. Your facial expression

Your face communicates a lot about what you think and feel. This happens through your eyes, your eye movements, eyebrows, mouth, … Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell estimates that we humans can distinguish as many as 250,000 facial expressions!

The biggest ‘danger’ is that emotions or thoughts inside you ‘leak’ outside through your facial expressions. If they’re not consistent with what you’re saying, you’re missing impact on your audience.

For example, many novice speakers suffer from small tics in their faces, because they are nervous. I don’t have to tell you that’s a great distraction from what they’re actually saying.

Some important tips on facial expression:

Think of your face as an extra gesturing tool: emphasise your story with the appropriate expressions.
Film yourself to control your facial expressions. Unlike your body and your hands, you can’t see your own face under normal circumstances.
Don’t be afraid to exaggerate. Go to a theatre performance. There especially, actors are often very expressive with their faces. That adds dynamism (and therefore energy).
Make funny faces when you ‘warm up’ for your performance. That is often relaxing.

4. Your voice

If you listen to the radio or a podcast every once in a while, you know how much character is found in a voice alone. You don’t see who’s talking, but you still take away much of who someone is, or how they feel at that moment.

Your voice is like a musical instrument, and there are countless ways in which it ‘communicates’:

It can sound high or low
It can be loud or soft
You can speak fast or slowly
There’s dynamic: how much do you switch between high and low, loud and quiet, fast and slow?
How many pauses do you take?
Your language: do you speak general English (or your local language) — possibly with a light accent — or do you speak dialect?

How do you use your voice for speaking with impact?

Double your voice volume. Yes, this sounds excessive. You probably think you’re going to shout. Still, I challenge you to try it. If you record yourself, you’ll see that you simply sound much more powerful. Note: Make sure you use your voice properly. Focus on sound, not pressure. When speaking makes you tired, there is something wrong with your technique. It’s best to visit a voice coach in that case.
Emphasise your voice. In a business context, many people think they have to speak monotonously. There’s no need at all. Emphasise important words and passages. This has two advantages: you speak slower and your ‘connect’ better with the content of your speech.
Pause often. Everyone knows someone whose mouth never seems to stand still. Or — the equivalent in text — someone who puts dozens of lines of text in their emails without ever pressing the Return key. That’s annoying, plus it prevents the message from ‘landing’. Pausing allows you to think for a moment, it allows your audience to think, process their thoughts and nod, and it gives you a more powerful impression.

5. Eye contact

A notorious energy leak is the lack of real contact between you and your audience. You’ll feel a sense of isolation, of being alone, of ‘you against them’.

Creating contact with your audience prevents that from happening. How do you do that? With eye contact.

The principle is simple

Look people in the eye individually, one by one. Connect directly with each of them. When it gets uncomfortable, move on to the next one.

It’s a bit like watering the plants. Instead of spraying all your garden at once, you give each plant water and then continue to the next one.

Sounds uncomfortable? Try it out. For most speakers, this technique has a reassuring effect. Instead of speaking to a large group, you speak to one person at a time. Exactly what you’re used to doing in the rest of your life 😉

Prefer to work on stage presence with an experienced coach?

Regulating your emotions to be able to channel your intentional energy is challenging.
As a speaker coach, I have helped countless clients perform on stage with powerful presence.

If you have an important keynote to deliver in the coming months and need someone to chat with, I’d love to help.

Book your free 30 min coaching call

¹ Albert Mehrabian, Silent Messages, 1971.
² Allen and Barbara Pease, The Definitive Guide of Body Language: The Secret Meaning Behind People’s Gestures
³ Olivier Ouillier et al., ‘Social coordination dynamics: Measuring human bonding‘, 2007

Seeing Esther Perel speak live in Ostend at the Generation WOW event… Wow, that is a gift for me as a speaker coach as well as a listener because she is a top speaker and I have been a fan of her work for years.

Esther Perel is one of the most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Belgian-American psycho-therapist and New York Times bestselling author, her books have been translated into no less than 25(!) languages. She works as a consultant for Fortune500 – companies around the world. And – this makes my speaker’s heart pound harder – her celebrated TED talks attract more than 20 million visitors… Be sure to listen to her popular podcasts: ‘Where Should We Begin?’ and ‘How’s Work?’.

The Powerful Presence of Esther Perel

Wow, the rock star of modern relationships was born to be on stage.

A good speaker masters it all: confidence, content, connection, sucking the audience into her talk from start to finish.

What was good about her talk, and what can you take away from it? I share with you the best insights I took away. Wise words and good advice. Take advantage of them!

Involve your audience in your talk

“Stand up if the last thing you stroke before you slept was your phone.”

Was one of the many questions that relationship therapy rockstar, Esther Perel started her talk with.

She also checked if her tribe was present with the question, “Stand up if you are you a trouble maker.”

She knows how to hit the essence with simple questions: “Did you thank the person who made it possible for you to be here? If you didn’t, you communicated ‘I am important and you are not’.”

Bam! Straight to the point!

She took her time for a long intro, logical when you have two hours, with lots of questions.

Love that!

How many speakers do you know who dare to do that? Because it means letting go of control. You don’t know what answers are going to come back. Or how many people are going to engage. You are playing a game.

By asking questions you get to know your audience, you have something to fall back on, you hold their attention well, AND your audience also learns something about each other!

Your talk will be 10 times more relevant and memorable. My word!

Thinking on her feet

As Claudia Van De Velde very accurately complimented her : “Esther is like a modern-day Socrates.

She speaks in a very inquisitive way from insights and reflections.

“I think with you. I am sure of nothing.” she says herself. Courageous.

I would say, dare to do that too, to utter a sentence like, ‘I don’t know this.’ Or: ‘This I am sure of, this I am not sure of.’ Comes across very powerfully.

Someone wrote to me on LinkedIn ‘I have some difficulty with the lack of direction in Esther’s talk.’ I understand that. To provide a clear message embedded in a clear structure, will always be my number one piece of advice.

This is a case of know the rules to break the rules.

And above all: to each his own way.

If she were my client, I would say, being so completely yourself is totally fine!

It’s strong, it’s disarming. It is standing up for who you are AND the way you are.

What she taught me

Her teachings were uncountable, the most shared were:

‘When people fight, what are they really fighting about?’:

1/ Power & Control

2/ Trust & Closeness

3/ Respect & Recognition.

In a relationship, we desire two conflicting things: Connection (safety, security) versus Freedom (not losing yourself, self-actualisation, being the best version of yourself).

Some of the teachings that touched me the most were:

‘Friendships are underrated.’ I love this one too. Because I really feel the same way about that one.

‘What is the secret of the success of your marriage Esther?’ – someone in the audience asked.

‘Humour and admiration for each other,’ she said.

In our extremely free society, we live a ‘liquid life’, she quotes Zygmunt Bauman. Our society today is a network of people with loose connections. We can step in and out of circles. Everything is short-lived. This weighs on our sense of identity. Makes us doubt ourselves. We are less rooted, and freer.

We miss the erotic: the playful, the curious, the spontaneous. That is super important to feel truly alive.

Perfect speaker’s attitude, by the way. Tell me: ‘How playful, curious and spontaneous are you on stage?’

Star on stage

As a speaker coach, I could say too many themes were touched on or the direction was a bit off at times.

But that would be selling her talk short.

For it was full of valuable insights and pressing questions. Hitting the nail on the head and mind-blowing. Like this gem: “Stories are bridges between people.”

I love it when a speaker seemingly strays but then manages to tie everything back together nicely.

And the fact that she involves her audience like this is downright magical.

She could have chosen the easy road by giving an entirely planned and prepared keynote, but she didn’t.

This makes her not only the rockstar of relations, but also a rockstar on the stage. Wow!

In this article, I talk about the three pitfalls of experts who take the stage and how to prepare to show up as a caring, inspiring, and engaging expert speaker instead.

Reading this article will give you a deeper understanding of how to show up with a powerful mindset. Just like the great speakers you admire.

Remember that keynote that you attended but didn’t land with the audience? What happened there? Let me explain and also tell you what you can do to avoid this happening to you.

Every speaker has expertise to bring to his audience.

The three pitfalls of experts who take the stage

You are too deep into the topic.

Of course, you are because you are the one with all the expertise. This means you might have a hard time connecting to the audience because they find themselves on a different level of expertise. Find a way to engage them.

You focus on proving you are the expert.

Of course, you can make your case. By all means, please do. But whilst proving yourself you might fall into the trap of data dumping. Also known as the trap of information overload. Believe me, nobody is waiting for that. You are on the stage, we know you know your sh*t. We want you to inspire us.

Your need for control doesn’t allow you to be fully present with your story and with your audience.

You focus too much on getting it right and not forgetting anything. At worst you seem disconnected from your audience. Needless to say, this is not attractive to your audience. They want to feel involved.

What is going on

What’s happening is probably a blind spot for you and ultimately an attitude problem. But please, don’t blame yourself for it. Upbringing, education and, society all told us to get knowledgeable, prove ourselves and, to take control.

So, no surprise that you show up with the attitude that you have to prove yourself. Which, at worst, can end up in an overbearing attitude, perceived by some as arrogant.

Let’s see what you can do so you show up as a caring, inspiring, and engaging expert speaker instead.

What to do instead: the one technique great speakers master that will take your keynote from average to great

It is all about showing up with the right mental attitude or mindset. Let’s make this very concrete.

I am curious to know what is valuable and relevant for my audience

You must bridge your deep level of knowledge on the topic to the level of knowledge of your audience. Meet them where they are. Simple, but not always easy.

A great talk takes the audience on a journey. If you don’t manage to captivate them at the beginning. It’s nearly impossible to do so later in your presentation.

You are deep in your topic, and you keep asking yourself ‘Do I know enough?’. This question comes from a mindset that says ‘I must impress.’ This is not a mindset that allows you to show up with power. Because there is always more to know. And the more you know, the more you know there is still so much you don’t know. But knowledge in itself is not inspiring.

Stop looking for more knowledge. Instead, be so curious about how you can help your audience that they experience tremendous value from your words.
How can your knowledge help them?

The right mindset is ‘I am curious to know what’s valuable and relevant for my audience’. This is a powerful mindset.

More concretely ask yourself: how does my topic appear in the lives of my audience?

Let me give a simple example here: public speaking is what I help my clients with. So for me, it’s daily business, I breathe and live it every day. For potential clients, public speaking is urgent and important, but not a daily business. So I will address it from the question: when and where do you speak? And take that as a starting point.

‘I am curious’ is an engaging attitude to show up with.

I own myself and forget about being perfect

When we feel we have to prove ourselves, we keep asking ourselves ‘Am I good enough?’. The default answer by our inner critic will be ‘No’.

Clearly, this is not a helpful inner conversation to feel powerful on stage.

And as a result, you might go for the data-dumping strategy. Also known as the opposite of inspiring.

The opposite of proving yourself is owning yourself. By that, I mean, not trying to be perfect. Not trying to be someone you are not. Owning yourself means you accept yourself fully, both your strengths and weaknesses, and live life without regrets or apologies. Be real, not perfect. Flawsome. That’s inspiring.

‘I am good enough’ is an inspiring attitude to show up with.

I let go of wanting to control

Let go of the idea that you have control. You cannot control what will happen exactly when you deliver your keynote. You cannot control other people or their reactions. Yet, you have much, much more influence than you believe is possible.

Think about this. By letting go of control, you gain control. Because you can be more present and connect.

My advice is always ‘come with a plan and go with the flow’. Your keynote will never go exactly as planned and I hope it doesn’t. Because this means you were present and able to interact with the audience.

Wanting to control comes from a place of fear. Instead, check in with yourself and shift to inner safety. If you feel inner safety, you can operate from a place of trust, love, connection, and full presence. Allow for playfulness, and lightness of being.

‘I am present’ is a caring mindset to show up with.

Conclusion

I hope this article helps you question and adjust your mindset.

Making the right mental shifts and asking the right questions are what I help my clients with. So they can become the comfortable, relaxed, and engaging speakers every audience dreams of.

If you want to get started, book your call: https://offers.speaker.coach/call/.

There’s a speech passage that I love. It was delivered in Paris, on April 23, 1910, at 3 pm in the afternoon on a sunny Saturday at the Sorbonne (one of the most prestigious universities of Europe at the time), by Theodore Roosevelt. The speech is called “Citizenship in a Republic,” but would later become famous as “The Man in the Arena.”

Roosevelt railed against cynics who looked down at men who were trying to make the world a better place.

“The poorest way to face life is to face it with a sneer,” he said. “A cynical habit of thought and speech, a readiness to criticize work which the critic himself never tries to perform, an intellectual aloofness which will not accept contact with life’s realities—all these are marks, not … of superiority but of weakness.”

For me the cynic is the one who doesn’t want to feel. The cynic has closed his heart, and therefore is not really alive anymore.

The cynic takes the easy way of judging those who create. The cynic does not create, at all cost he keeps him or herself safe from criticism. But again, when you live on the safe sidelines, you’re not really living – let alone live at all.

Yet, a great speaker chooses life and shows up with great enthusiasm for it.

On that Saturday afternoon Roosevelt delivered an inspirational and impassioned message that galvanized the audience and drew huge applause. What follows is the passage that made the speech so famous:

The Man in the Arena

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

The stage IS the arena

For me, who’s been a speaker coach for many years, “the arena is like the stage”. In the arena and on the stage is where we really come alive. How? In part through confrontation.

As a speaker coach it’s so rewarding to see my clients collect their courage, go on the stage and face the confrontation with their audience.

Confrontation is challenging, and because of that they learn and grow quickly.

The greatest reward is found by going on the stage and daring to speak up. It’s not necessarily easy. You’ll get dirty, and might get scarred -. But the reward is great when the audience applauds you. And most importantly, when you as a speaker have made a positive impact on their life. It feels like magic.

Let your audience take a stance by offering them a dilemma

“The man in the arena” passage is so powerful because it offers us a choice. We can choose to stay on the sidelines of life and judge others who live life fully, or we can choose to live our own life – on our own terms.

Offering a dilemma works wonders in speeches. By offering a dilemma, a contraction, a field of tension, you invite your audience to take a stance. For example: “If you could choose between criticising and creating, what would you do? What is most rewarding?” I’m pretty sure most would start to create more after such a speech.

Dilemmas empower your audience and push them towards action. Dilemmas give your speech clarity and power.

The dilemmas I take out of Roosevelt’s speech passage are:

• Don’t be a cynic instead choose enthusiasm,
• Don’t judge from the sidelines, instead step into the arena
• Don’t play it safe, instead dare to show up.

Your life, your choice. It’s clear the magic happens when showing up in the arena – preferably with a good dose of enthusiasm.

Dare to show up and let yourself be seen

Brené Brown opens her book Daring Greatly with the same passage of “The man in the arena”. I quote Brené here because she formulates so beautifully how perfectionism often holds us back. And her words let us feel how magical it is when you share your unique contribution with the world.

“When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contribution that only we can make.” (…)Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.”

I sincerely hope reading this article brings you a step closer to showing up and letting yourself be seen. Choose magic!

PS: if you want help getting ready for the stage, step into the arena and book a clarity call. There’s nothing to lose from owning your voice, and so much to gain.

Get rid of nervousness when speaking in public with my best tip to stay in your power

“It surely was not as good as they said it was. It didn’t feel that way.”

APPRECIATION GAP:

When others say “Fantastic, well done.” and you think “That was so bad.”

What happens is your inner critic shows up active and loud.

How to turn this around

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Bye bye imposter syndrome, hello solid confidence