Elizabeth Van Den Bergh, Author at Elizabeth Van Den Bergh, Intl. Speaker Coach

Seeing Esther Perel speak live in Ostend at the Generation WOW event… Wow, that is a gift for me as a speaker coach as well as a listener because she is a top speaker and I have been a fan of her work for years.

Esther Perel is one of the most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Belgian-American psycho-therapist and New York Times bestselling author, her books have been translated into no less than 25(!) languages. She works as a consultant for Fortune500 – companies around the world. And – this makes my speaker’s heart pound harder – her celebrated TED talks attract more than 20 million visitors… Be sure to listen to her popular podcasts: ‘Where Should We Begin?’ and ‘How’s Work?’.

The Powerful Presence of Esther Perel

Wow, the rock star of modern relationships was born to be on stage.

A good speaker masters it all: confidence, content, connection, sucking the audience into her talk from start to finish.

What was good about her talk, and what can you take away from it? I share with you the best insights I took away. Wise words and good advice. Take advantage of them!

Involve your audience in your talk

“Stand up if the last thing you stroke before you slept was your phone.”

Was one of the many questions that relationship therapy rockstar, Esther Perel started her talk with.

She also checked if her tribe was present with the question, “Stand up if you are you a trouble maker.”

She knows how to hit the essence with simple questions: “Did you thank the person who made it possible for you to be here? If you didn’t, you communicated ‘I am important and you are not’.”

Bam! Straight to the point!

She took her time for a long intro, logical when you have two hours, with lots of questions.

Love that!

How many speakers do you know who dare to do that? Because it means letting go of control. You don’t know what answers are going to come back. Or how many people are going to engage. You are playing a game.

By asking questions you get to know your audience, you have something to fall back on, you hold their attention well, AND your audience also learns something about each other!

Your talk will be 10 times more relevant and memorable. My word!

Thinking on her feet

As Claudia Van De Velde very accurately complimented her : “Esther is like a modern-day Socrates.

She speaks in a very inquisitive way from insights and reflections.

“I think with you. I am sure of nothing.” she says herself. Courageous.

I would say, dare to do that too, to utter a sentence like, ‘I don’t know this.’ Or: ‘This I am sure of, this I am not sure of.’ Comes across very powerfully.

Someone wrote to me on LinkedIn ‘I have some difficulty with the lack of direction in Esther’s talk.’ I understand that. To provide a clear message embedded in a clear structure, will always be my number one piece of advice.

This is a case of know the rules to break the rules.

And above all: to each his own way.

If she were my client, I would say, being so completely yourself is totally fine!

It’s strong, it’s disarming. It is standing up for who you are AND the way you are.

What she taught me

Her teachings were uncountable, the most shared were:

‘When people fight, what are they really fighting about?’:

1/ Power & Control

2/ Trust & Closeness

3/ Respect & Recognition.

In a relationship, we desire two conflicting things: Connection (safety, security) versus Freedom (not losing yourself, self-actualisation, being the best version of yourself).

Some of the teachings that touched me the most were:

‘Friendships are underrated.’ I love this one too. Because I really feel the same way about that one.

‘What is the secret of the success of your marriage Esther?’ – someone in the audience asked.

‘Humour and admiration for each other,’ she said.

In our extremely free society, we live a ‘liquid life’, she quotes Zygmunt Bauman. Our society today is a network of people with loose connections. We can step in and out of circles. Everything is short-lived. This weighs on our sense of identity. Makes us doubt ourselves. We are less rooted, and freer.

We miss the erotic: the playful, the curious, the spontaneous. That is super important to feel truly alive.

Perfect speaker’s attitude, by the way. Tell me: ‘How playful, curious and spontaneous are you on stage?’

Star on stage

As a speaker coach, I could say too many themes were touched on or the direction was a bit off at times.

But that would be selling her talk short.

For it was full of valuable insights and pressing questions. Hitting the nail on the head and mind-blowing. Like this gem: “Stories are bridges between people.”

I love it when a speaker seemingly strays but then manages to tie everything back together nicely.

And the fact that she involves her audience like this is downright magical.

She could have chosen the easy road by giving an entirely planned and prepared keynote, but she didn’t.

This makes her not only the rockstar of relations, but also a rockstar on the stage. Wow!

In this article, I talk about the three pitfalls of experts who take the stage and how to prepare to show up as a caring, inspiring, and engaging expert speaker instead.

Reading this article will give you a deeper understanding of how to show up with a powerful mindset. Just like the great speakers you admire.

Remember that keynote that you attended but didn’t land with the audience? What happened there? Let me explain and also tell you what you can do to avoid this happening to you.

Every speaker has expertise to bring to his audience.

The three pitfalls of experts who take the stage

You are too deep into the topic.

Of course, you are because you are the one with all the expertise. This means you might have a hard time connecting to the audience because they find themselves on a different level of expertise. Find a way to engage them.

You focus on proving you are the expert.

Of course, you can make your case. By all means, please do. But whilst proving yourself you might fall into the trap of data dumping. Also known as the trap of information overload. Believe me, nobody is waiting for that. You are on the stage, we know you know your sh*t. We want you to inspire us.

Your need for control doesn’t allow you to be fully present with your story and with your audience.

You focus too much on getting it right and not forgetting anything. At worst you seem disconnected from your audience. Needless to say, this is not attractive to your audience. They want to feel involved.

What is going on

What’s happening is probably a blind spot for you and ultimately an attitude problem. But please, don’t blame yourself for it. Upbringing, education and, society all told us to get knowledgeable, prove ourselves and, to take control.

So, no surprise that you show up with the attitude that you have to prove yourself. Which, at worst, can end up in an overbearing attitude, perceived by some as arrogant.

Let’s see what you can do so you show up as a caring, inspiring, and engaging expert speaker instead.

What to do instead: the one technique great speakers master that will take your keynote from average to great

It is all about showing up with the right mental attitude or mindset. Let’s make this very concrete.

I am curious to know what is valuable and relevant for my audience

You must bridge your deep level of knowledge on the topic to the level of knowledge of your audience. Meet them where they are. Simple, but not always easy.

A great talk takes the audience on a journey. If you don’t manage to captivate them at the beginning. It’s nearly impossible to do so later in your presentation.

You are deep in your topic, and you keep asking yourself ‘Do I know enough?’. This question comes from a mindset that says ‘I must impress.’ This is not a mindset that allows you to show up with power. Because there is always more to know. And the more you know, the more you know there is still so much you don’t know. But knowledge in itself is not inspiring.

Stop looking for more knowledge. Instead, be so curious about how you can help your audience that they experience tremendous value from your words.
How can your knowledge help them?

The right mindset is ‘I am curious to know what’s valuable and relevant for my audience’. This is a powerful mindset.

More concretely ask yourself: how does my topic appear in the lives of my audience?

Let me give a simple example here: public speaking is what I help my clients with. So for me, it’s daily business, I breathe and live it every day. For potential clients, public speaking is urgent and important, but not a daily business. So I will address it from the question: when and where do you speak? And take that as a starting point.

‘I am curious’ is an engaging attitude to show up with.

I own myself and forget about being perfect

When we feel we have to prove ourselves, we keep asking ourselves ‘Am I good enough?’. The default answer by our inner critic will be ‘No’.

Clearly, this is not a helpful inner conversation to feel powerful on stage.

And as a result, you might go for the data-dumping strategy. Also known as the opposite of inspiring.

The opposite of proving yourself is owning yourself. By that, I mean, not trying to be perfect. Not trying to be someone you are not. Owning yourself means you accept yourself fully, both your strengths and weaknesses, and live life without regrets or apologies. Be real, not perfect. Flawsome. That’s inspiring.

‘I am good enough’ is an inspiring attitude to show up with.

I let go of wanting to control

Let go of the idea that you have control. You cannot control what will happen exactly when you deliver your keynote. You cannot control other people or their reactions. Yet, you have much, much more influence than you believe is possible.

Think about this. By letting go of control, you gain control. Because you can be more present and connect.

My advice is always ‘come with a plan and go with the flow’. Your keynote will never go exactly as planned and I hope it doesn’t. Because this means you were present and able to interact with the audience.

Wanting to control comes from a place of fear. Instead, check in with yourself and shift to inner safety. If you feel inner safety, you can operate from a place of trust, love, connection, and full presence. Allow for playfulness, and lightness of being.

‘I am present’ is a caring mindset to show up with.

Conclusion

I hope this article helps you question and adjust your mindset.

Making the right mental shifts and asking the right questions are what I help my clients with. So they can become the comfortable, relaxed, and engaging speakers every audience dreams of.

If you want to get started, book your call: https://offers.speaker.coach/call/.

There’s a speech passage that I love. It was delivered in Paris, on April 23, 1910, at 3 pm in the afternoon on a sunny Saturday at the Sorbonne (one of the most prestigious universities of Europe at the time), by Theodore Roosevelt. The speech is called “Citizenship in a Republic,” but would later become famous as “The Man in the Arena.”

Roosevelt railed against cynics who looked down at men who were trying to make the world a better place.

“The poorest way to face life is to face it with a sneer,” he said. “A cynical habit of thought and speech, a readiness to criticize work which the critic himself never tries to perform, an intellectual aloofness which will not accept contact with life’s realities—all these are marks, not … of superiority but of weakness.”

For me the cynic is the one who doesn’t want to feel. The cynic has closed his heart, and therefore is not really alive anymore.

The cynic takes the easy way of judging those who create. The cynic does not create, at all cost he keeps him or herself safe from criticism. But again, when you live on the safe sidelines, you’re not really living – let alone live at all.

Yet, a great speaker chooses life and shows up with great enthusiasm for it.

On that Saturday afternoon Roosevelt delivered an inspirational and impassioned message that galvanized the audience and drew huge applause. What follows is the passage that made the speech so famous:

The Man in the Arena

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

The stage IS the arena

For me, who’s been a speaker coach for many years, “the arena is like the stage”. In the arena and on the stage is where we really come alive. How? In part through confrontation.

As a speaker coach it’s so rewarding to see my clients collect their courage, go on the stage and face the confrontation with their audience.

Confrontation is challenging, and because of that they learn and grow quickly.

The greatest reward is found by going on the stage and daring to speak up. It’s not necessarily easy. You’ll get dirty, and might get scarred -. But the reward is great when the audience applauds you. And most importantly, when you as a speaker have made a positive impact on their life. It feels like magic.

Let your audience take a stance by offering them a dilemma

“The man in the arena” passage is so powerful because it offers us a choice. We can choose to stay on the sidelines of life and judge others who live life fully, or we can choose to live our own life – on our own terms.

Offering a dilemma works wonders in speeches. By offering a dilemma, a contraction, a field of tension, you invite your audience to take a stance. For example: “If you could choose between criticising and creating, what would you do? What is most rewarding?” I’m pretty sure most would start to create more after such a speech.

Dilemmas empower your audience and push them towards action. Dilemmas give your speech clarity and power.

The dilemmas I take out of Roosevelt’s speech passage are:

• Don’t be a cynic instead choose enthusiasm,
• Don’t judge from the sidelines, instead step into the arena
• Don’t play it safe, instead dare to show up.

Your life, your choice. It’s clear the magic happens when showing up in the arena – preferably with a good dose of enthusiasm.

Dare to show up and let yourself be seen

Brené Brown opens her book Daring Greatly with the same passage of “The man in the arena”. I quote Brené here because she formulates so beautifully how perfectionism often holds us back. And her words let us feel how magical it is when you share your unique contribution with the world.

“When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contribution that only we can make.” (…)Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.”

I sincerely hope reading this article brings you a step closer to showing up and letting yourself be seen. Choose magic!

PS: if you want help getting ready for the stage, step into the arena and book a clarity call. There’s nothing to lose from owning your voice, and so much to gain.

I recently attended an event with a keynote speech.

And the speaker is a celebrated entrepreneur, great!

There were some great one-liners, even greater!

Furthermore… many missed opportunities in the delivery of the keynote. So many people in the room, so many opportunities to blow people away.

And she could have easily done that with a strong intro, because that was missing.

Your opening words make or break your speech.

Your opening sets the tone.

And a strong opening makes heads turn and hearts skip a beat.

A strong opening is a fantastic win-win, because it gives you as a speaker tons of self-confidence to stand in full powerful presence when you head off in your story and immediately draw your audience along with you. And make no mistake, that’s what they want !

Of course I will tell you how to start strong:

Start, for example, with a strong statement. A little controversy can work well.

For example: “The question is not if you need speaker coaching, the question is when!”

Or open with a quote. I like to start with:

“There are only two kinds of speakers, those who lie and those who are nervous.”

“You don’t have to be a good speaker to give a good speech.”

Dare to challenge the worldview of your audience. Start with a question that questions everything the audience thought they knew about a topic.

“Did you know…..?” questions.

“Have you ever wondered whether A (what everyone thinks) or B (your controversial view)…… is more true?”

Dare to be surprising. Go straight to the heart of your audience, straight to their beliefs.

A strong start is half the battle of winning them over and this is certainly true when you are in front of a group!

Stick-your-hand up questions for ultimate engagement

I saw hesitantly and therefore without much effect a kind of ‘raise your hand if….’-question.

“If I asked Raise your hand if you agree that women do less business because they care more for the children you would do it.” Not much effect was generated.

You know these questions, and you often see others doing it. But would you do it yourself?

Please do because a raise your hand question is also a mega win-win. I explain. I love doing it.

I also call this audience qualification and collecting intelligence. So valuable for making your speech extra relevant and meaningful.

For the sake of convenience, I call it the hand question.

Suppose you are speaking to a group of entrepreneurs, mainly women, but also employed women.

Then you can ask questions like:

Who is an entrepreneur?
Who has been an entrepreneur for more than 10 years?
Who has been an entrepreneur for more than 5 years?
Who is really in the CEO chair?
Who has investors?

The hand question has two super valuable side effects.

As a speaker, you get a better idea of what kind of people you are dealing with. This increases your confidence. For example, you find out if there are any journalists in the room. Sometimes you want to know this. Or doctors. Or budding entrepreneurs. Why is this so important? The answers help you to bring your subject into their world.

And, you probably never thought of it before, such questions create a sense of comfort and security in the audience. If you are in an audience where you hardly know anyone, it is nice to know who is in the room and what those people are thinking. Is that important for you as a speaker? Hell yeah, the atmosphere in the room is important for the success of your speech.

The responses (in this case the number of hands that go up) give you the chance to react and to start a conversation. It increases the relevance of what you have to say.

Hand questions can also be used as a prelude to a sensitive topic.

Who is happy with the turnover of their company?
Who wants to earn more?
Who wants to double next year?

(From safe questions)

Who makes more than 100k?
Who makes more than 200k?
Who will turn over 500k?

(To daring questions)

If your first question to a cold audience is ‘Who converts 500k?’ You won’t get much response, by taking that lead you will get response or your bold question.

I recommend you experiment with this. It’s fun and super valuable.

A good anecdote can go viral

Plenty of anecdotes that had a lot of potential didn’t come to life.

Too bad, such a pity.

A good anecdote is short, relevant and has a clear clue.

With just enough words, well-placed pauses and lively intonation, you want to sketch a situation that arouses curiosity. And then to satisfy that curiosity. This way, the anecdote will stick better.

Example: the story of Zelda La Grange who met Nelson Mandela for the first time.

The magic of that meeting can only be contained if enough, but certainly not too many, leading elements are provided first.

“I was raised with the idea that Nelson Mandela was a terrorist, a dangerous man. Who came from a totally different world, a world that was literally invisible to me. Because of apartheid, we lived in separate worlds…. And white people simply had no idea about the lives of black people.

At work, when I unexpectedly saw an elegant, confident, cordial man in front of me, reaching out and looking right through me, I had no idea what was happening. In his eyes I saw kindness and humanity. My world stood still for a moment. None of what I had assumed to be true all my life was true anymore.”

That’s how you create edge-of-your-seat moments.

I’m talking about the cliffhangers, you know, the reason why you always skip to that next Netflix episode. So now you want to know what happens next after Zelda meets Nelson Mandela.

A strong final chord lingers on for a long time

No climax at the end. Rather, a feeling of “oh, is it done? Damn, what a missed opportunity.

You want to be clear from the start about the effect you want to achieve.

And you can be very explicit about that. Or just secretive. I advise you what is best for your talk when the time comes.

The best strategy for ending with a BANG is to plan your close before you plan the rest of your speech.

You then go back and design your opening so that it sets the stage for your conclusion.

An effect can be:

That your audience thinks ‘what she can do, I can do too!’

That your audience feels “Hell yeah, let’s do this!!!

I often give direction with: ‘If there is one thing I want you to get out of this talk, it’s …..’

This cue ensures that my audience is going to filter out all the info that reinforces my point and let it swell in their heads like a crescendo.

Your ending should always refer back to your intro. That’s how you complete the circle. Our brain loves this!

Your ending should elicit applause!!! Don’t settle for less.

A real pity, then, that keynote of missed opportunities.

For you I want your speech to be different: compelling, fiery, memorable. And that’s not even that hard.

I recently had a session with a client in which he was practicing his speech.
The final delivery.

We had already worked hard on the story and on the content. In which, to my liking, the content tilted too often and too much toward information, interpretation and explanation.

And I kept wanting more story: the people in this story, who are they, what drives them, what are they going through. Why do I need to know?

At the previous practice session there was life, drive, presence. And was I along for the ride.

Not so in this practice session. I didn’t feel it.

I wrote down:
‘Allow the audience to enter the story.’
Way too much explanation.
You don’t feel it.

Because: he was too much in his head.

He had felt it too. I see this with almost all of my clients.

Focus on: I can’t forget anything, tendency to explain a lot, broadly and deeply. Too distracted too.

Then you start speaking from thought and get stuck in your head, and your story is not going to have the impact it deserves.

What does work: daring to be fully present in the moment. Stepping inside of your story.

Daring to connect with your audience. Then you start attracting attention. You start inspiring, touching, influencing.

Then that magic is created. Then it becomes fun.

My client will be OK, it was a good thing for things to go south, in order to create clarity about the essence of things. To grab attention, to captivate and to engage.

Your speaking begins with you. Simple, but not easy.

I met Daphne Wens, one of the initiators of the new podcast The University, through my online programme OutLoud. I was impressed by the quality of her podcast and was happy to be a guest and be interviewed by her colleague Aristide.

In this episode you will hear tips about speaking with impact, but also about ‘bragging better’. I also talk about managing a business with my husband while we run a household with two children. Really interesting, even if I say so myself 😊

If you want to discover some of my best public speaking tips and get to know me a bit better as a person – this is perfect!

Here are the main topics we’ve touched upon:

How I got started / 03:30
Being a freelancer vs being an entrepreneur / 09:00
On running a business with my husband / 13:35
What is public speaking? / 22:15
Tips on public speaking / 26:15
Online program: OutLoud / 38:05
On learning how to brag better / 41:10
Curious Jules / 49:45

Hit play below to listen, or look for the episode in your Spotify app. Enjoy!

How Ester Perel wow-de her audience with her powerful presence

How to shift from expert pitfalls to a powerful speaker mindset

In the arena and on the stage is where the magic happens

Keynote of missed impact and how to make sure it doesn’t happen to you

And she could have easily done that with a strong intro, because that was missing.

Stick-your-hand up questions for ultimate engagement

A good anecdote can go viral

A strong final chord lingers on for a long time

Get out of your head

[The University Podcast] Aristide Giramahoro interviews Elizabeth on becoming a confident & impactful speaker

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